Live From the Field
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE! The transcripted account of how paranormal amateur Dib and yours truly snuck into an alien's secret base. NO SHIPS, HONEST TO IRK I SWEAR!
1. Byte 1

**Live From the Field**

(co-presented by The Illustrious Crackpot, Dib Membrane, Zim and GIR)

Is this thing on? Testing...YESSS!!! The text is showing up on the screen!!!

**I can see that.**

OK, OK. Hi, this is The Illustrious Crackpot here. And this is my assistant—eh, CO-PARTNER Dib, who has a NORMAL-sized head.

**Thank you.**

All righty. This is a speech-to-text program here, one of the latest models. It even has good spelling and punctuation and it differentiates between human voices by using a different typeset. Dib, say something so they can tell the thing about the different typesets.

**But I've said stuff already! The "different typesetting" stuff is OBVIOUS!**

Um...OK, yeah. And, as you can see, it also puts a line of periods whenever there's some sort of silence. Well, back to the typesetting thing—for the purposes of this report my voice is appearing as normal text and Dib's is appearing as bold text. Makes sense, right?

**They can already TELL that my voice is the bold text. And besides, it DOESN'T make sense—I mean, YOU? With NORMAL te——**

BE QUIET! YOUR HEAD IS BIG!

**...But you just said my head wasn't——**

IT IS!

**No it's NOT...well, shouldn't we be telling them about the REPORT now?**

If YOU'RE going to play Andy Griffith this time, Dib, YOU tell them!

**OK, I will! We're going to use this speech-to-text program to do a report on Zim, the ALIEN, INSIDE HIS OWN BASE!! With this report, as well as any ALIEN technology we can manage to pick up, we can finally convince other people that Zim's an ALIEN!**

Actually, DIB'S the one concerned with proving that Zim's an alien. I'm just here for the heck of it.

**By the way, don't you think using a video camera would be a bit more, I dunno, CREDIBLE? I mean, people could think we just typed this all up and pretended we did a report. Let's get some video feed!**

We can't use the video!! is text only!

**Wait...we're posting it THERE? That's stupid! They'll think it's all made up!**

You can't honestly think we're going to ignore the legions of "Invader Zim" fans! They've got vampire cults out there!!!! They'd eat us alive if we didn't bring the info straight to them!

**Oh, come on. CANNIBALISM?**

That reminds me of the Willy Wonka line from the Tim Burton movie! "Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable, but that is called cannibalism, which is frowned upon in most societies."

**Ummmmmm...oh-KAAAAAY. Well, back to the vampire cults, why they made a show about MY LIFE and passed it off as a CARTOON is beyond me. And why they cancelled it after only twenty-seven episodes is even WEIRDER. But if we get video feed, they can watch it on online news networks or something!!!**

Well...well...the sound of the camera would attract attention when we try to sneak into Zim's base! He'd hear us!!

**The sound of us TALKING TO A COMPUTER will make even MORE noise!**

YEAH? Well...YOUR HEAD IS BIG!!

**No it's—oh, why do I bother? Arguing with a complete lunatic is not something I need to make a habit of.**

Why not? "It just may be a lunatic you're looking for..."

**Stop making pointless outside references! Now let's GO!**


	2. Byte 2

**OK, here we are outside Zim's house.**

Maaaaaan those gnomes are creepy.

**All right. Now how did you say we were going to get inside?**

Huh? I didn't.

**Wha—**

YOU were the one raving about us getting inside Zim's base. I thought YOU had an idea!

**But you're the one who decided to DO this! I thought YOU knew how we were going to get in!**

Well, excuse ME for NOT HAVING CROSS-REFERENCED MAPS OF ZIM'S BASE! I know Irken bodily functions!

**...That sounds SO wrong.**

Um, heh...I meant stuff like how Zim never seems to eat or sleep...well, he eats waffles occasionally (see the third episode of Season Two), and I've watched obsessively enough to know that he likes drinking sodas and stuff. AND that Irkens apparently have the technology to make robots that can actually ingest food...don't you remember "The Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom", where GIR actually managed to get fat from eating candy?

**Why is this relevant?**

Uh, it's not.

—...—

**How're we going to get in? I seem to remember a blind spot in the gnomes' defenses...but Zim tricked me into telling him and fixed it.**

THAT WAS IN "RISE OF THE ZITBOY", THE SECOND HALF OF THE FIRST EPISODE I EVER SAW!!!!

**I really don't care. On the other hand, he's got the walkway to his house rigged so that intruders walking down the path are merely DETECTED, not attacked. I think it used to attack, but his stupid robot broke it.**

I like non-dangerous routes. Let's use that.

**The pathway leads right to his door.**

...So...?

**WE'RE NOT GOING TO WALK RIGHT IN HIS FRONT DOOR!!!**

You're right. That's stupid. We have to call first to make arrangements.

**ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?**

Quote from Bloo: "Suuuuuuure, like I know what SARCASM is."

**Don't expect me to RECOGNIZE that quote!**

OK.

—...—

**So. How's this going to happen?**

Let's click our heels together three times and say "There's no place like Irk, there's no place like Irk" and——

**You know what? Next time I get a chance to do this sort of thing, I'm leaving you AND your "speech-to-text" thingy at home.**

I'M NOT STAYING IN YOUR HOUSE! GAZ SCARES THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!

**SHE SCARES ME TOO! AND ARE WE GOING TO SNEAK INTO ZIM'S BASE OR NOT?!?**

I suppose.

**WELL?**

Let's go in the front door.

**BUT——**

It's that or Gaz.

**BUT——**

She's playing that "Vampire Piggy" game. If we went back to your house and interrupted her, she'd rain such terrible doom on us that we'd——

**OK, OK, I GET ITTTTT!!!!!! We'll use the front door.**

Good.

**I can't believe I'm agreeing to this.**

Make it good, Dib. Narrate it for the people.

**When we answer the door and get ZAPPED BY LASER DEATH BEAMS, narration will be the LEAST of our difficulties!!! Oh, all right...We're going down Zim's front walk right now. If we die, I'm holding you responsible.**

Good. My parents always wanted me to have a sense of responsibility. ...That sounds like a quote I should recognize, but I can't seem to——

**OK, ringing the doorbell now...this is REALLY STUPID...**

I wonder why the computer thingy doesn't type up the regular NOISES when it types up speech...

**It's a lame plot device.**

Oh yeah.

**Look, it's opening! I swear, if that's a plasma cannon behind that door——**

Hell-loooooooo.

**GAAAAAAAH!!!!!! IT'S THE STUPID ROBOT WITHOUT ITS DISGUISE! AND I COULD'VE GOTTEN A PERFECT PICTURE IF YOU HAD LET ME BRING THE CAMERA!!!!!!!**

Hi, GIR!

He's screamin' like a monkey!

**NOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWH HAW HAW HAWWWWWW...**

I can see that. WOW this computer types fast.

**I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!**

That's not a nice thing to say to GIR, Dib.

He's a friend of my master.

**I HATE YOU!!! OH GOD I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!**

He's gonna make hisself crazier!

Bit hard to do, GIR. Ehhhhhh...do you mind if we sneak in and record some evidence of Zim being an alien using a nifty text-to-speech computer program?

Ummmmmmmm...

—...—

**...Want a taco?**

YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!

Wow, Dib! You remembered GIR's love for tacos from the episode "Invasion of the Idiot Dog Brain"! And you even happened to have one with you!

**It was ON the TABLE!**

There's hope for you after all.

TACOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! It smells like a kitty!

**Eeeegh. I really, REALLY don't want to know.**

How can you find THAT gross? All the sodas they sell here are a brand called "Poop"!

**Well, you get used to it, I guess. BUT ENOUGH SMALL TALK! FOR WE HAVE COME TO DESTROY...AN ALIEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

TACOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

**Is that robot insane?**

To modify a quote from Mr. Pip, the monkey in the "Bone" comic spin-off "Stupid Stupid Rat Tails": "I'd say he lost his sanity a long time ago, but he'd probably have some ridiculous story about how he lost it in a herd of wild pigs and found it again in a gopher hole with a little girl's foot stuck in it."

**Do you ALWAYS make obscure references in the middle of regular dialogue?**

Yes. Hey, is that a video game console over——

**FOCUS!!!!!!!! Look, over there's the trash can that's really one of the entrances to Zim's secret underground base! If we can get in, we can record his every move and plaster it ALL OVER THE INTERNET, CAUSING——**

Hey, Zim's got "Super Alien Busters 2"!!!! I'm SO playing as the mime!

I love the corn people.

**Wait..."Super Alien Busters 2"? Why would ZIM have that game? He IS an alien!!!**

Oy, Dib, this's the special edition with the crazy human character who's obsessed with paranormal studies! And GIR unlocked the level where he can wear the Yeti costume! You wanna play?

**WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SNEAKING INTO HIS SECRET BASE, NOT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH HIS ROBOT!**

Wheee! I'm gonna jump on the moose!

WHAT? I thought only I knew about that cheat code! No fair, now you've got the Rubber Pants of Evil weapon! Just like that thing in "Mortos Der Soulstealer" where——

**CRACKPOTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Oh, come ON! We almost beat the secret raccoon-infested level!!

**This is SO stupid.**

Don't it hurt to have a huge head?

**Yes, actually sometimes it—I mean, IT'S NOT HUGE!**

Doom doom doom doom doooooooommmm...

**Come ON!**

Modified quote: "I GUESS I'll invade Zim's secret base then."

**You're a disgrace to humans everywhere.**

Thank you.

**OK. Look! There's the trash can that's REALLY a secret entrance to his base!**

I KNOW that! ...Wait...involuntary narration again, right?

**You don't have to rub it in.**

Well, if we're going to go, then shouldn't we GO?

**WAIT! But how can we be sure that Zim's not on the other end, WAITING for us?**

Iiiiiiiiiiinteresting question, that...WAIT! I HAVE A LAPTOP! WE CAN——

——**WE CAN HACK INTO ZIM'S COMPUTER MAINFRAME AND SEE WHERE IN THE BASE HE IS! I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT THAT'S BRILLIANT!!!!**

...Actually, I was going to say that we could log on to the Internet and read some Zim fanfics, but your idea works too.

**Wait...your computer isn't compatible with Irken files! DANGIT!!!**

Oh, too bad. Let's go with my idea then.

What'cha DOOOOIN'?

**GAAAAH!!! Go AWAY!!**

Are you lookin' fer Master?

**Ummmm...well, eh, we're...**

Like we said, we're just trying to sneak into his base and get evidence of his alien...ness. Is he around here somewhere just waiting to show up and fry us all into plasma goo?

YAAAAAY GOO!!!!!!

**Oh please.**

MASTA' says NOT te' let ANYONE in, 'cus he's doin' somethin' REAAAAAL SECRET IN THE WEIRD STUFF ROOM!!

**Wait...HIS EYES TURNED RED! THAT'S NOT GOOD!!!**

LASER GUNS! DIB, USE YOUR FREAKISHLY BIG HEAD TO SHIELD ME!!!

NONE SHALL PASS!!

**AAAAAAAAAH!!!! DON'T KILL USSS!!!!!**

—...—

OKEEEEY-DOKEEEEY!!!! I wanna get back in the puppy suit!

**Wait...he went back to normal again?**

Define "normal", please.

**Good point. Ummmmm...the robot said something about a "weird stuff" room. That probably means the room with the...weird stuff in it.**

You still haven't defined "normal" for me.

**I don't CARE! Now, if he's in that "weird stuff" room, then we CAN sneak up on him by going into whatever room the garbage can leads to! So, taking him BY SURPRISE in his OWN LAIR, we shall——**

You're DOING it again, Dib!

**Aaaaah, whatever. Let's just get in the trash can.**


	3. Byte 3

Gooooooing DOWN.

**Do you ever wonder where Zim found the time to build this base? I mean, he IS an ALIEN, but even he must——**

He programmed the characteristics he wanted into a little mechanical device, stuck it in the ground and a completely disguised alien base sprang out. It was in the FIRST EPISODE, "The Nightmare Begins".

**How do you know those shows are true to what REALLY happened?**

Zim actually DID turn you into bologna once, like in the episode "Bolognius Maximus", right? One of my favorites, I might add.

**...Yes, well——YOU KNOW TOO MUCH POINTLESS TRIVIA FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.**

"Floccinaucinihilipilification: categorizing something as pointless trivia."

**HA! At least NOW you're improving your vocabulary instead of——**

That was a hidden thing in the credits of one of the episodes on the first DVD set of "Pinky and the Brain".

**...Forget I ever said anything. Now, SHHHHHH!! I think we're slowing down!**

"Fast? Pfft! Duck Dodgers knows FAST! Why, I ran the three-minute mile in under an HOUR once!"

**I SAID "SLOW", NOT FAST!**

It doesn't make any difference to me.

**You really need to get a life.**

"Life...don't talk to me about LIFE." Marvin the Paranoid Android, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". The book was the best adaptation, even though I've also seen the movie and heard the radio show.

**Point in question. QUIET! WE'VE STOPPED!**

I'M being quiet. YOU'RE the one who's yelling.

**SHHHHHHHHHH!!!!**

"Be vewy vewy quiet, we'we hunting——

**Look. If you don't stop quoting cartoon characters, I'm going to have to set Gaz on you. Now, to make sure you've got this clear, repeat what I just said.**

Nope.

**WHY NOT?!?!**

You just said not to quote cartoon characters!

**WHAT SORT OF PERVERSE PLEASURE DO YOU DERIVE FROM——**

A lot. I never get to annoy people.

**GREAT. I get X-number of years of bottled annoyingness unleashed on myself in one afternoon.**

And we only JUST got inside Zim's base. You...DO know the elevator hasn't moved for a couple minutes, don't you?

**...You jerk. OK, we're getting off the elevator and now we're in—what room is this?**

AAAAAAAAAH!!!! THE COLORS! AND THE LIGHTS—THE LIGHTS!!!!!!

**WHOA! What is that THING on the ceiling?!!?! It's HIDEOUS! And...what is it DOING with that MONKEY?**

THIS IS TOTALLY INDESCRIBABLE!

**THIS is why we should've taken the CAMERA!!!!**

Just make a picture in your mind, folks.

**Ugggghhh...the GOO...so...MUCH...Hey, there's a door over there! Let's go!!!**

I thought you were obsessive-compulsive over gathering evidence about Zim being an alien! This's the perfect opportunity! Go grab that thing on the ceiling!!

**Why would I WANT to? Eeeeeyick!!**

Hmmmm...that is a point. Let's go, then.

**What sort of twisted function could that thing PERFORM? And why is it performing whatever it is on that MONKEY?**

You know what? This's just like a skit Steve Martin once did on "Saturday Night Live"...except different.

**Thanks for being so INFORMATIVE. OK, now what's THIS room?**

—...—

**OK, I'm waiting for you to interject a pointless and annoying comment. It's only making me more worried that you're NOT.**

—...—

**...Crackpot?**

It's...it's...

**Yes?**

IT'S A FULL-SCALE REPLICA OF THE SET FROM THE CLIMAX OF "THE RETURN OF THE JEDI", COMPLETE WITH THE ACTORS WHO PLAYED LUKE, VADER AND SIDIOUS SUSPENDED IN BLOCKS OF CARBONITE IN THE SAME POSITIONS THEY WERE IN!!!!!!!!

**No it's NOT! It's a GARBAGE STORAGE ROOM!**

The readers wouldn't have been able to tell...

**You're making a mockery of paranormal investigators everywhere.**

Paranormal investigators everywhere already seem to do a good enough job themselves.

**Hmmmmmm...OK, OK, I can't argue with that one, I was paired up with one for career day.**

Bill the Paranormal Investigator. Episode seven of——

**ENOUGH!!!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE OTHER FRIENDS YOU CAN BUG?!?!?**

Because I feel like—wait...Uh-oh...

**What NOW? Is there a discrepancy between Zim's base and the way it's shown in the TV show?**

No, it's...This is starting to sound like a self-insertion fic.

**WHY?!?!?! Because you're purposefully driving me INSANE?!!?!?**

No, actually, what I'm doing is the verbal equivalent of "whumping", and I'm doing THAT for the sake of it. It's...because I'm one of the focal characters.

**Why are you talking about "focal characters"?! This is REAL LIFE!!**

Well, no one's going to BELIEVE us if I post it on They'll think I'm a nerdy loser who has no life and so must make up adventures in which I interact with random cartoon characters! I'M SO ASHAMED——

**ONE, I already SAID no one would believe us if we posted it on that stupid website!!! TWO, I'm not a random cartoon character!!!!!!! That's just what these TV stations are making everyone think! And THREE, I thought you WERE a nerdy loser with no life!**

—...—

You got a point there. But I DON'T write self-insertion fics.

**Not yet.**

And don't worry, Dib, if I did, then I wouldn't do some sort of weird "ship" story wherein the two of us had a relationship.

**...There are no words to describe how hideous a prospect that would be.**

Now if only REAL self-insertion writers would get the clue. And start shooting up those "Mary Sues", but that's a different story.

**THIS ISN'T A STORY!!!!! IT'S A RESEARCH EXPEDITION!!!!**

Then...shouldn't we be going and..."researching" or something?

**RRRRRRRRGHHH!!!!! That's what I've been saying all along!**

You know, your head IS kinda big.

**I hate you.**

Thanks.

**All right. So, it's only by dumb luck that Zim hasn't caught us yet.**

OUR dumb luck, or HIS?

**Stop interrupting! So, we've got to be REAAALLY QUIET after we open this next door.**

"Be vewy vewy quiet——

**I'm NOT going through this again!!! Now SHHHH!!**

OK, OK! Hey, did you notice that when we whisper, the computer puts it into brackets?

**NO, because there has been precious LITTLE whispering so far! Now, just beyond this door, there COULD be a dangerous alien just waiting to blast us into oblivion! Do we have an attack plan?**

Yes. I'll run and you hide.

**Hoo boy.**

I wonder if Irkens are anything like the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal—you know, they're exorbitantly ferocious, but so mind-bogglingly stupid that you can beat it by covering your eyes with a towel. See, it assumes that if YOU can't see IT, IT can't see YOU.

**...Well, "mind-bogglingly stupid" DOES occasionally apply to Zim...**

Then why's he so dangerous if he's so stupid?

**He's got alien technology.**

I wish I knew where my towel was.

**OK. Eh, ASIDE from that...You ready?**

"One for the money, two for the show, nuts to Benny and here we go." Phil Harris, "The——

**Whatever, I'm just going to open the door. SHHHHHH...**

Whoaaaa...is this his research room?

**I guess so...just look at all the alien gadgets! Here, start taking stuff. This's priceless evidence!**

Start taking stuff...and put it WHERE?

**What do you mean, WHERE? In your backpack!**

I don't HAVE my backpack with me! I've been carrying the laptop MYSELF this whole time!

**You had a backpack when we started! Why'd you leave it?!?!**

GIR: "To make room for the cupcake!" Second segment of episode 2, "Walk of——

**I canNOT beLIEVE you!! Aarrrhh...just grab stuff then.**

I'm not putting down this G3! I've got seven in-progress fanfics stored on this hard drive!

**WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT, YOUR FANFICS OR THE EARTH?!?**

You should know better than to ask ME something like that.

**Yes, I SHOULD, but—SHHHHHH!!! I think I see ZIM!!**

Over there, by that alieny-looking bench thing?

**You could've done a bit better with the description, but YES, over by that alieny-looking bench thing! What's he DOING?**

Well, he's hunched over SOMETHING.

**His back's to us! Maybe we can sneak up and see what sort of evil alien scheme he's working on!**

"What're you doing, sneaking around like that?"

"'SNEAKING'? Fat hobbit's SO polite. He sees us and first thing he says is that we's sneaking. 'SNEAKING'!"

"All right...! I'm sorry. But what WERE you doing?"

"Sneaking..."

**Ummmmm...**

"Ehhh...Can't control myself." Babs Bunny, "Tiny Toons".

**Whatever. C'mon! Let's go see what EVIL he's wreaking!**

_Heh heh heh heh heh...WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!_

**LISTEN! He's laughing!!**

"A Zim who laughs at his own jokes will seldom have branches on his shoe tree." Now quiettt!!

_MUHAHAHAAHAHA! Oooooooh, I'm such a GENIUS! Come to life, pitiful creature, LIIIIIIIFE!!!!_

**WHAT is he DOING?!**

_EH? WHAT WAS THAT?! Did I hear VOICES in my SECRET BASE?!?!?!_

**GAAAH! SHHH!**

Thanks, "Sir Point-Out-The-Obvious-A-Lot!"

**Quick! Duck behind this thing over here!**

Hey, look! It's the Hunter Destroyer Machine from the episode "Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy"!

**Great. Now HIDE!!!**

—...—

_Hmmmmmm...No more voices. Perhaps Nick the eternally happy boy was just singing that REVOLTING SONG again. Aaaaaaah well, back to work on the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM!!!!!_

AAAAAh-CHOOO!!

**Oh no!**

_WAIT! Nick the Happy Boy does not SNEEZE! It would cause his face to explode! There is an in-truDERRRR!!! GIR!_

Yeee-ess?

_GIR, did you let anyone in the house today? Anyone who...SHOULDN'T BE HERE?!!?_

Nooooooooooo...

_Are you SUUUUUUURE?_

Yes!

_Completely sure?_

Yes!

_Absolutely positive?_

Yes!

_Beyond an Irken doubt?_

Yes!

_Oh, all right th——_

All 'cept the kid with the BIG HEAD an' his friend!

_DIB! No, he couldn't—wait, does Dib HAVE any friends?_

**HEY! I——uh-ohhhh...**

_AHA! I have FOUND YOOOU!!_

Quick, Dib, let's test the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast theory! Anyone got a towel?!

**Waaaaait...that thing on his alieny bench-thing...is that a Furby™?**

_Eh? Of COURSE it is, human sludge-beast! I at last found the TRUE dominant species on Earth! It's the FURBIES I should be fighting with, not pathetic HUUUUUUMANS!_

**That's...pretty stupid.**

See? Irkens ARE like the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast! GET A TOWEL ALREADY!!!

_HMMMM? It is outside my knowledge how a piece of Earth filth knows of the planet Traal. But that doesn't matter. GIR!_

YES, MY MASTER!

**AAAH! He's glowing red again!!!**

_GIR, capture them! I shall prepare for the slimy humans a...TOWEL-LESS FATE!!_

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Huu-AH!! YES, MY LORD!

**GAAH!! Look out!**

Oh no, not the laptop, NOT THE LA


	4. Byte 4

——_R! GIR, I told you NOT to repair the humans' FILTH machine of...FILTH!! I—EH? WHAT IS IT DOING??! It's repeating everything I SAY, except not...REPEATING IT!_

YAAAAAAAY!!! IT'S GONNA BE MY FRIEND!

PHEW! The drive automatically backed itself up! I haven't lost any of my stories!

_BE QUIET, PIGGY CREATURE! You're supposed to be begging for your LIFE!_

PIGGY!!!

**WE'LL NEVER BEG, ALIEN SCUM!! YOU MAY HAVE SUSPENDED US IN A TANK OF PLASMIC LIQUID IN ORDER TO PERFORM HORRIBLE TESTS ON US, BUT——**

_I already KNOW that! Why are you SAYING it?_

**...I have NO idea.**

Hey, this's GREAT! With Dib keeping up his involuntary narration, we can continue to do our report! Granted, it'll be a bit harder to post on the website now that we're——

**HEY! You're doing it TOO!**

Doing what?

Doin' doin' doin' doin' doin' doin' dooooooooo...

_HMMMM! Perhaps my first test should be investigating the DNA that causes humans to feel the need to say things out loud..._

Ford Prefect wondered the same thing, once, when he was learning about the Earth. His two theories were, first, that if humans didn't constantly exercise their lips their mouths would seize up, and second, that if humans didn't constantly exercise their lips, their BRAINS started working.

**...Where do you GET this stuff?**

I'Z THE EMUS!!! THEY TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENIN' TOO!

_It's AMAZING! Even I, ZIIIIM, hadn't thought of that, but it must OBVIOUSLY be true!_

**HEY! On behalf of the human race, I'm OFFENDED!**

YAAAAAAY OFFENDING!!!!!!

_...But that means I don't need to look at your DNA to figure it out...CURSE YOOOOOOOU!!!!_

**Ehh...that means you can let us go now, right?**

_Yeah, sure——I MEAN, OF COURSE NOT!! Hmmmmmmm...perhaps I can do a test to...SEE WHAT MAKES UP YOUR FILTHY EARTH BRAINS, SO I CAN EVALUATE WHETHER YOU WOULD BE A THREAT WERE YOU TO STOP TALKING!!!!_

**NOOOO! NOT MY BRAIN!!! Quick, Crackpot, do you know the parts that constitute the brain?! Maybe we can hold him off if we just tell him!!**

Welllllllll, I DO know a lot of the major parts to the tune of "Camptown Ladies"...

_I'm charging up the laser dissector beam now! Lah dee dah de dahh..._

**FOR GOD'S SAKE, SING IT!!!!!!**

It's from a cartoon, though...you keep telling me not to do things from cartoons...

_Oh look, it's fifty percent charged! Soon the insides of your hideous human heads will be strewn across my operating table! Aaah, the sweet stink of victory. Doo de doo de doo..._

**HE'S GOING TO TAKE OUR BRAINS OUT!!!!!! THIS IS LIFE AND DEATH!!!!**

Hey, that reminds me of a line from that stupid "Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" movie: "I admire your brain, Moriarty. In fact, I admire it so much I'd like to have it pickled and sent to the London Research Academy."

**I DON'T CARE ABOUT MOVIE TRIVIA!!! JUST DO IT!!!!! DO IT NOW!!!!!**

Are you suuuure?

_Doo de doo de doo de doo...Hey, it's fully charged!_

**YES I'M SURE!!!!**

All righty then!

"Neo cortex, frontal lobe,

BRAINSTEM, BRAINSTEM,

Hippocampus, neural node,

Right hemisphere."

_Ehh?_

"Pons and cortex visual,

BRAINSTEM, BRAINSTEM,

Sylvian fissure, pineal,

Left hemisphere.

"Cerebellum left, cerebellum right,

Synapse hypothalamus,

Triatum dendrite."

WHEEEEEE!!!!! IT'S SINGIN' TIME!!

Bum bum dum bum bum bum dum...

_Ahhhhhh, that was an amusing diversion, but now let us get to the dissecTIONNN!!!_

**WHY DID YOU STOPP?!?!?**

This's the musical interlude!!! I forget the words if I don't pause for the musical interlude! Now start humming the tune!

**But I don't want to——**

_Lower the lasersss!!_

**Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM NOW GET BACK TO WORRRRRRRK!!!**

All RIGHT! You don't have to YELL!

"Axon fibers, matter gray,

BRAINSTEM, BRAINSTEM,

Central tegmental pathway,

Tempural lobe.

"White core matter, forebrain, skull,

BRAINSTEM, BRAINSTEM,

Central fissure, cord spinal,

Parietal.

"Pia mater,

Meningea vein,

Medulla oblongata and lobe limbic,

Microelectrodes—

—Naaaaaarf—

THE BRAIN!!!"

The end.

_Aaaaaaaaah, that was quite INFORMATIVE! I had no IDEA that humans had eight brainstems! And what was that organ you called a—"Narf"?_

I wanna hear a song about a moose!

And all my friends thought it was pointless that I memorized that song!

_This is an incredible amount of data! It's a lot EASIER than cutting your heads open—even easier than cutting open DIB'S head, which is abnormally large and creates a bigger target!_

**Crackpot, I'm NEVER going to insult your vast knowledge of the obscure AGAIN.**

You better STICK to that promise, "Charlie Brown".

**Wha——**

_You know many things, earth slime. Tell me MOOOOORE!_

I know the fifty states and their capitals to "Turkey in the Straw", as well as all the countries in the world as of 1993 to a——waaaaaait, this's sounding like SELF-INSERTION AGAIN!!! Oh noooo!!!

_A heebewawhat now?_

I'm not going to sing anymore! Everyone else say interesting things so it doesn't look like I'm the central character! 'CUS I'M NOT!!!

_Of COURSE you aren't! ZIIIIIM is the awesomest!!_

"**Awesomest" isn't a word.**

_Heh? Well...well, neither is BIG-HEADED!!_

**...Actually, I'm pretty sure that's a word.**

_YOUR HEAD IS BIG!_

**It is NOT!**

_It is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

..."Aaaaaaah...this wasn't the wish I had in mind." Yakko Warner, "Wakko's Wish".

I wanna make biscuits! Do YOU wanna make biscuits?

Yes...yes, in fact, I DO. Can you let me out of this tank?

YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!! Doody doody doody doooooo...YAAAAAAAY!!!!

Thanks. Hmm...what should we do about those two?

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

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**Is not!**

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**Is not!**

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**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

I don' think they WANT biscuits.

I s'pose you're right. Zim got any chocolate chips upstairs?

EEEEEE-YAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

I'll take that as a yes. Let's go!

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

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**Is not!**

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_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is too!_

**Is not!**

_Is t_


	5. Addendum

**POSTSCRIPT**

Well, as planned, GIR and I went upstairs and made some biscuits before going out to Deelishus Weenie to get some, well, "delicious weenies". The computer kept recording Zim and Dib until the battery ran out. The two of them kept arguing for hours until it got really late and they both fell asleep. That was when I managed to sneak back in, grab my G3 and post this report. I think Dib's still in the suspension tank now, watching Zim as he continues his war against the Furbies, which I'm pretty sure ARE the dominant life form on Earth. GIR, do you have anything you want to say?

I liked them biscuits. They was goooooood.

OK then. Oh, plus, "Brainstem" is © Warner Brothers and is the spiritual property of Maurice LaMarche, aka "the Brain".

Heeeeeeeeeeee's a GOOD one.

And, just so you know, this DID happen.

Uh-HUUH.

All righty. Just so we're clear.

Eeeeee-yup.

Please don't devour my organs.


End file.
